TIME WILL TELL

My Dad was told by my Mom: "If you want to marry me, you need to be baptized a Mormon". (He was a non-religious Jew). On January 2nd, 1938, a month before they were married, Dad was. In Mom's history to Diana, she writes: "At his baptism, he was asked how he liked his new-found religion, his answer was 'Time Will Tell'." As Dad was extremely quiet (I can recall perhaps only 3 or 4 times in my life a conversation with him beyond a few short sentences), a man of few words, who rarely ever expressed his opinions or observations, what his answer ultimately was, is unknown to me. Mom, of course, more than compensated for Dad's lack of verbiage. Except apparently at his job, where he worked over 30 years with the same guys (unheard of today) and I had witnessed on visits there, he was 'conversant', his life was lived with little, if any, social interaction. And friends of mine, even in the house, never mind for a meal, was nonexistent. I, certainly over the years, have become my 'Mom's son', although I have also exhibited during my parenting years, that same exclusionary life-style, e.g. when I moved to Long Beach in 1966, I deliberately lived down the street from the school-yard - that's where my sons were to play with their friends. And in Utah I dreaded parties, sleepovers, 'dates' visiting, Home Teachers, Visiting Teachers, etc.

Somewhere over the years, becoming 'too talkative', 'too opinionated', 'too curious' re: people's reason's for doing what they do, and asking them!, has been my personal challenge. And I have failed miserably. I could partially fault others, as when I have tried to be 'quieter', I'm asked: "What's wrong?", "Something's wrong", "Why are you acting like this?", etc. But that's nonsense to even partially fault others - I'm responsible for myself - Exaltation is an individual event, as is so many others in our experience.

I will become my father's son. I will be quiet. I will be non-opinionated. I will, essentially, avoid personal interaction with others; I will 'cocoon' myself (yes, even more). I will find even increased joy and pleasure (if that's possible)' in music and reading, and day dreaming as I gaze out my back-yard over the Gulf of Mexico. I will somehow avoid family household dissension and arguments in my goal of isolation - 'my home is my cave' - I am a recluse - leave me be.

Will others be upset, mad at me, take any of this as a personal affront? I hope not. Will I be reminded of responsibilities and obligations to others? If so, I may perhaps respond: "My life is not an apology - it is my life".

Many decisions in my 70+ years of life - all of which, without exception, would be made exactly the same way - (Inane thought - life is not 'replayed') - have caused those I love and care about, pain, sadness, and disappointment - I hope also joy and happiness and well-being- but I'm addressing the problems, both deliberate and inadvertent, I've caused thru my exercise of selfishness, self-centeredness, persuasion, control, theatrics and manipulation, raising questions to myself as to who I am, what do I want, how to achieve, and thus retreating within myself, with minimal, only as 'absolutely necessary', interaction external to myself.

"Time Will Tell". Thanks Dad.

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